Continuing to catch up with the prompts, I am focusing on the “Weathered” prompt today. Last October began four months of a personal hell, if I’m being completely honest.
I started taking an anti-depressant called Wellbutrin, however I didn’t take it for depression. I took it as an aid to help me stop smoking. I had taken it before years ago, and it worked very well. The problem was that I couldn’t keep up with a smoke-free lifestyle and soon was smoking again. So I did it again in October because I was more serious about stopping. For myself. For my husband. For my children.
Five days into it, I no longer had an urge to smoke. Two weeks into it, I found myself increasingly emotional, sensitive, irritable, and I never fully left that mindset. I remained in that extreme level of negativity until a couple days ago. For about three months, my husband felt like he had to walk on eggshells around me. Communication stopped, and what communication we had consisted of arguments. I lost patience with my family, I lost motivation for photography. I consistently and constantly wanted away from life in general. Not in a suicide sort of way. But an escape, whether it was constantly sleeping, whether it was gaming. Point blank, I lost every interest in taking care of myself, my family, and my marriage. And as I got to the last several pills and started weaning myself off, it seemed to come to a head. I was so angry, constantly crying, thinking everything was going to fail. Then I took my last pill on Sunday.
I feel like I can breathe again. I don’t feel smothered and suffocated. I don’t feel useless, worthless, depressed, angry, resentful, unhappy. I get the chores I set for myself done. I run my errands. I let things be. But I also look at my family and don’t see them as something I lose my patience with. I look at my husband and realize that I was unfair, not that I could help it all the time, but I saw that I wasn’t the only one having a hard time since October. He was having a hard time dealing with it too.
So. I am extremely thankful that I am AWAY from that medication, and I hope I never have to endure that mindset again. And for those who do have to on a daily basis, please reach out for help. Nobody deserves to live with it. Nobody. So my photo for this prompt is simple. It’s a family photo. We four have gone through a lot, and my husband and I have gone through a lot more before the kids were even born. We are all weathered in a way. Life chips away at us early, with some events eroding part of us. But I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than with these three extremely important people. Weathered, but grateful.
P.S. For my husband, who may or may not check in on here from time to time. I love you. Thank you for putting up with me.